I CAN’T BELIEVE NONE OF YOU TOLD ME

Remember my diary dilemmas earlier this year?


Well, it would have been REALLY nice if one of you, my so-called FRIENDS, could have told me that Moleskine actually make diaries with the month all on one page! I found one today in Paperchase!



THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!


The only problem is that now I have to abandon my handmade version and it will probably be very sad that I don’t love it anymore, so I wrote it this song:


Oh little pink notebook
You have served me well
With your lovely soft pages
You sure did look swell


When I needed a diary
And no-one could help
You were there for me
Like the ocean’s best kelp


You let me write in you
You let me draw lines
And when I had done it
My life was real fine


But something has happened
It means you can’t track
My appointments and birthdays
My hot dates with Zack*


But rest assured, beauty
We’ll always be friends
I’ll draw hearts on your blank pages
From now until the end


Thank you xxx


*Zack’s name has been changed to protect his identity.

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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Prompted by my recent love affair with The Tudors, I have come to a decision relating to the communication methods I will employ in 2010:

Work Colleague - Email

Work Friend - Email, Post-It Note, Text

Other Business Aquantaince - Email

Social Network Friend - Brief Message or Tweet

Real Life Friend - Hand Written Letter, Text, Face to Face

Family - Hand Written Letter, Skype, Phone Call, Face to Face

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NEW STATIONERY HUNK CONTENDER?

WELL, WELL, WELL.


A man from Viking Direct rivals Oyez Staker popped into the office this week and, boy, does Ian (Irwin) Helford, Chairman Emeritus of Viking Direct have some competition on his hands! This new cat was FOINE!


I didn’t take a picture but just imagine what you would get if you crossed this



with this



and a bit of this on the side for XXXTRA HOT FLAVA



I’ll tell you what you’d get: a somewhat facially confused yet TOTALLY SEXY new pretender to the throne!


UPDATE: Okay, just checked the rules and APPARENTLY, the ‘powers that be’ are saying I have to provide an actual photo so you guys can ‘judge for yourselves’. God, I HATE this system, so much red tape.

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HUBBA HUBBA THIS GON’ BE MY BUBBA

Delicious!

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WORLDWIDE STATIONERY BULLETIN

Ah, bet you thought I’d canned this series, eh? Eh? Well, you’re outta luck sunshine cos it’s BAAAAACK!


So, like, what the fuck has been happening in the world of stationery? Some CRAZY shit, that’s what!


UK: STATIONERY cited as one of the reasons office workers want to stab their co-workers in the tits > Read more


USA: An American football statistician now brings extra pens and pencils to EVERY game! > Read more


INDIA: Those cats are BIG in the stationery game and they don’t business about no CREDIT CRUNCH! > Read more


VIETNAM: Kind lady takes pencils, pens…okay, I’m bored now. ABORT BULLETIN, ABORT!!!

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I DON’T CARE IF YOU BELIEVE THIS STORY OR NOT BUT IT’S TRUE

I went down to hear the Queen Bee Sharmadean DJ the other night and in between her ‘rocking the house on the old ones and twos’ (as the cool kids say) she gave me this totally freaking amazing present: a beautiful brooch in the style of a fountain pen!

It is just too amazing for words!


I put it on right away and since then its thorny pin has never left my hot body.


After I thanked Sharma there was a bit of a dispute about whether she chose it or her boyfriend chose it and then they had a big fight and then I said “HEY! We’re in a disco! It’s all love here! But if you have a problem…TAKE IT TO THE DANCEFLOOR!”


So then they had this INSANE battle on the dancefloor, Greg was drawing for the funky chicken and shit but Sharma’s robot was MIND-BLOWING and totally stole the show.


In the mean time, I went behind the decks and spiked Sharma’s drink, and when she jumped back on the decks, she got confused about her selection and started playing, oh my god, you won’t BELIEVE this, she started playing ‘This Old House’ by SHAKIN’ STEVENS! Crazy!


Luckily, the crowd went absolutely wild!


Fucking hell, that was the best night of my life.

Posted by Josey     (1) Comments •

OH MY GOD I WANT I WANT I WANT

I don’t even want to tell you where it’s from because you might buy it before me and I’m poor so that’s very feasible right now but that’s a very selfish attitude so I’ll very begrudgingly tell you it’s from here.

If you buy it before me I’ll hunt you down and KILL YOU like the mean one-eyed rabid dog you are.

Bye! x

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ME AND MY PENS IN ‘NOT 100% WRITTEN BY HAND’ SHOCKER

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NEW SERIES! ANOTHER ONE! THIS ONE IS CALLED ‘WEEKLY WORLDWIDE STATIONERY BULLETIN’!

So building on the success of my incredible back in the day series like Josey’s Adventures in Poundland (GOOD MEMORIES!) and Josey’s Adventures in Mighty Pound (um, NOT REALLY ANY MEMORIES) and Me and My Pens (HEY, WTF HAPPENED WITH THAT?)....actually I’ve changed my mind, I don’t like this game anymore. Revealing all my blogclart skeletons and suchlike.


Forgot that shit anyway. THIS is an AMAZING new series where I basically share with you the BIGGEST INTERNATIONAL STATIONERY REVELATIONS OF THE LAST SEVEN DAYS. Seriously, it’s gonna be sooooo good. Let’s ROCK!

CHA-CHING! Boston’s Queen of Invitation-Related Stationery meets some dude in a bar cos her office is messy and explains how she sells her amazing wedding stationery for so much money that you’d have to go on the game to afford them, but then if you got crabs and your fiance broke it off, you couldn’t get a refund. RESULT! Read all about it.


INJUSTICE! A local Republican Party Chairman in Orlando is facing jail FOR SPENDING $13,000 ON STATIONERY! I love him. I think he will be my next Stationery Hunk of the Day. Read all about it.


EXPO! Over in India, they’re getting ready to host one CRAZY stationery tradeshow over three whole days and it’s gonna be like ORGASMIC! Read all about it.


SOON COME! Closer to home, those cats in Sandbach are opening a huge WH SMITH to replace the Woolworths that closed down and the new manager has got, like 15 years experience, so seriously, DO NOT FUCK WITH HER. Read all about it.


That concludes the Worldwide Stationery Bulletin. Until next week!

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FAN FAIL

Recently I met some fans of the blog which was great as I thought the only person that read this was my mum. And even SHE said I was “too over the top” and “a silly annoying little bitch” and “why don’t you get a boyfriend, like a real boyfriend, because you spend too much time with pens and no-one wants a dry shrivelled up old maid despite how many notepads and paperclips she owns” and “for fuck’s sake, get out of bed, look at you, you’re a mess, you’re a fucking mess” and “oh god, Josey, please, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it, don’t do that Josey, please don’t do that, I won’t say it again, I love you, I love you.” Bless her.


One fan asked how Victor was getting on. “Victor?” I asked. “Yes, Victor,” he replied. “You know Victor Kiam, your Stationery Hunk of the Day.”


Now, guys. Guys.


If you’re going to read this blog, you need to stay ON TOP OF THE GAME.


The Stationery Hunk of the Day is Ian (Irwin) Helford, Chairman Emeritus of Viking Direct. He loves stationery more than he loves his own life and is extremely sexy.


Now, this Victor Kiam you refer to so nonchalantly, is the dude who loved Remington razors so much that he bought the company.




Don’t get me wrong, he’s cool and shit, BUT HE IS NOT A STATIONERY HUNK. He is not a stationery hunk.


Readers, I love you, but please check yourselves before you wreck yourselves.

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