JOSEY’S ADVENTURES IN POUNDLAND #1

14 Office Popper Pencils, £1

NO NEED TO SHARPEN THEM!

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I’VE GOT CHILLS…THEY’RE MULTIPLYING! BUT REALLY NOT IN ANY KIND OF SEXY WAY.

Knowing that I’m a stationery lover, you’d probably assume that I like Post-it notes. CHA-CHING! You got that right, mister!


Knowing that I like Post-it notes, you’d probably assume that I think it’s great fun when people stick loads of Post-it notes over someone’s desk for a laugh, or when they try and make ‘art’ out of it.


WRONG!


I fucking hate it.


What kind of sick cunt would do this? (I can’t put the image on this page, it just makes me sick) >>> DISGUSTING IMAGE


Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! It’s so disgusting! It makes me feel like I’m getting hives! I don’t know what hives are, but I’m sure they make you feel like how this picture makes me feel. All faint and feverish and OH GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

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I HAVE JUST MURDERED A POOR, INNOCENT WHITEBOARD MARKER

When I heard that poor little tip scratching about on the rough speckled paper, I should have known it was the end. When I tried to use it on a whiteboard afterwards, I should not have been surprised that it didn’t work. That was my favourite dry wipe pen and now it’s gone.


I am going to sit on the naughty step now and think about what I have done.

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BEST THING ABOUT SAINSBURY’S

Apart from the biscuits aisle, of course.

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SHE’S A COLD-HEARTED BITCH BUT SHE LOVES HER PENS AND THAT’S JUST FINE WITH ME

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SPEAKING OF PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

Could there be any greater pleasure in life than to receive a handwritten letter secured with a red wax seal?

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JOSEY REBELLE IN NON-PAPER BASED BOOK SHOCKER!

Last year, someone I know told me about the Amazon e-book reader, Kindle.


I spat in her face. That’s how offended I was by the concept of e-books.


Well, check this out. I’ve only gone and done a huge flippin’ volte-face, haven’t I guv? Gor blimey, WHAT AM I LIKE?


Alright, alright, don’t have a cow. It’s nothing deep. Just that I downloaded this application to my iPhone that lets you read all these classics (this sounds like an advertorial) and I thought I’d try it out, you know, on that day that I left my copy of Ulysees - signed first edition, of course - at home on the chaise longue. I started Pride and Prejudice and it was a bit awkward, like a pair of jeans that fits snug on the legs but is a bit baggy on the bum, but I soldiered on and got through it just fine.


Now I’m reading DRACULA and I can’t put it down - it’s just like reading a normal book! Except it doesn’t make your knickers damp when you inhale its sexual odours!


I’m sorry if I have disappointed you on this one, dear reader. I know it’s wrong, God knows I know it. But please, just let me have my fun. I’ll be over it by Chapter 2 of Gulliver’s Travels.

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ME AND MY PENS - EPISODE 3. NOW WITH BADLY-DRAWN STAR RATINGS!

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TALES FROM THE NOTEBOOK GRAVEYARD

I have a problem with notebooks. Not the obvious problem, you know, that I buy one hundred thousand of them a week. But the problem that, when I’ve bought them, I just don’t know what to do with them.


Write in them! I hear you cry. Scribble and doodle to your heart’s content!


But it’s not that easy! What if I start using one to record my everyday thoughts, and then three pages in, I realise that it is better suited to house quotes from my favourite books? What if I start doodling in one, and it suddenly strikes me that I should really be writing meeting notes in it? WHAT THEN?


I tell you what then. That book becomes the latest inhabitant of the notebook graveyard.


It’s a kind of limbo for books who are between lives.


Here is one such book.

My beautiful camo (I have a fetish for it) Carhartt A5 plain sketch/note pad. It stresses me out: story ideas on page 2, a family tree sketch on pages 3-4, my monthly expenditure on pages 5-6. Pathetic. I wish I’d never even written in it. I WISH I’D NEVER EVEN BOUGHT IT. Only six pages used and it’s ruined.

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A MESSAGE TO BIG BROTHER

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