THE HOTTEST PHOTO ALBUM EVER

Oooh, who’s this sexy mama? Leather biker jacket. Okay, no actual head, but LEATHER, fellas! Come on, you know you’re onto a winner already.


Get your fingers inside for a nice little feel and, wow, she’s even wearing a leather bra! TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT HOMEBOY!


But what’s this? It’s not a hot headless biker lady at all, it’s a photo album! Containing photos of a sweet, innocent child!



What a shocker. Even more shocking, despite the smile, SHE AIN’T SWEET AND INNOCENT NO MORE!

I’ll tell you more about my cheeky little niece another day…

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STATIONERY HUNK OF THE DAY

My favourite stationery personality has to be Ian Helford, Chairman Emeritus of Viking Direct. As you would expect from a man who has dedicated his life to the happiness of others through office supplies, he’s a total hunk.


If you’ve been collecting Viking catalogues over the last few years, you’ll know that Mr. Helford is no stranger to a bit of hard work and has often been pictured actually loading product from the warehouse onto the Viking Direct vans! What a guy!


STOP PRESS: I’ve just found out that his name is actually IRWIN, calling him Ian was a cheap marketing ploy to get British people to like him! I am sickened. But somehow turned on?

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NOW IT’S THE INTERN’S TURN

More stationery love from across the miles, this time from our lovely intern, Valia.


A great little pencil case from San Francisco…IN THE SHAPE OF A PENCIL!

BUT WAIT!


It also actually has pencils contained within its mighty walls! And a ruler, eraser and sharpener! Sadly, these aren’t in the shape of pencils which I think is somewhat lazy of them.

But what I haven’t told you is how HUGE this thing is! Although it’s the shape of a pencil, it’s so much bigger than a conventional pencil!


Just to give you some context…


THAT’S A REAL CAR!

Valia, you’re on FIRE! OOOOOWEEEEE!

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HOPE THIS CLARIFIES MATTERS SOMEWHAT

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NOT BEING FUNNY BUT

...there is NO WAY you can look me in the, er, monitor and tell me that this isn’t the sexiest sight you’ve seen all day. No way.



This is what the Stairway to Heaven will look like:



This is what it will look like when you are drunk:



And after you fall back down the stairs and hurt your elbow it will look like this:



But any God who has this sexy Post-It Note stairway is bound to be a forgiving God so the good news is that YOU’LL STILL GET IN!


The bad news is that there’s a MASSIVE queue in Heaven for the First Aid room, so much so that John, you know John, the paramedic, has actually gone on strike! I know, JOHN! Crazy.


But the good news is that Barry’s finishing his training tomorrow so you’ll probably get your elbow seen to then.


UPDATE: Barry failed his exam. Sorry.

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PRECIOUS GIFTS FROM AFAR

My little buddy Kit travelled all the way to Hong Kong to get me these delightful treats. Apparently she stood in the shop antagonising over her choices for ages because she knows I’m fussy and got worried that I would punch her in the tits again but in the end I think she did just great.


First up is this sweet little Hello Kitty card wallet. It’s all puffy and smells of infant school.




Bank’s repossessed all my cards so might have to hold tight on using that one for a few years.

Next is an AMAZING notebook with the following features:
1. Real wood cover!
2. Customised etching!
3. Parcel paper style lined pages!
4. ...in landscape format! Perfect for all your favourite quotes!





Isn’t it just T for Tremendous? That’s what MC GQ used to say! You don’t know him, do you.


Lastly, a cute little notepad with a very serious message:

So true, so true.

Thank you Kit. Thank you Hong Kong.

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OH, BEFORE I FORGET

Thanks to everyone who voted for me in the BAFTA People’s Award for Most Dramatic Blog Regarding Artistic Materials (PAMDRAMBRAM) category. I am just cock-a-hoop right now, I can’t even tell you. Thanks again!

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