NEW SERIES! ANOTHER ONE! THIS ONE IS CALLED ‘WEEKLY WORLDWIDE STATIONERY BULLETIN’!

So building on the success of my incredible back in the day series like Josey’s Adventures in Poundland (GOOD MEMORIES!) and Josey’s Adventures in Mighty Pound (um, NOT REALLY ANY MEMORIES) and Me and My Pens (HEY, WTF HAPPENED WITH THAT?)....actually I’ve changed my mind, I don’t like this game anymore. Revealing all my blogclart skeletons and suchlike.


Forgot that shit anyway. THIS is an AMAZING new series where I basically share with you the BIGGEST INTERNATIONAL STATIONERY REVELATIONS OF THE LAST SEVEN DAYS. Seriously, it’s gonna be sooooo good. Let’s ROCK!

CHA-CHING! Boston’s Queen of Invitation-Related Stationery meets some dude in a bar cos her office is messy and explains how she sells her amazing wedding stationery for so much money that you’d have to go on the game to afford them, but then if you got crabs and your fiance broke it off, you couldn’t get a refund. RESULT! Read all about it.


INJUSTICE! A local Republican Party Chairman in Orlando is facing jail FOR SPENDING $13,000 ON STATIONERY! I love him. I think he will be my next Stationery Hunk of the Day. Read all about it.


EXPO! Over in India, they’re getting ready to host one CRAZY stationery tradeshow over three whole days and it’s gonna be like ORGASMIC! Read all about it.


SOON COME! Closer to home, those cats in Sandbach are opening a huge WH SMITH to replace the Woolworths that closed down and the new manager has got, like 15 years experience, so seriously, DO NOT FUCK WITH HER. Read all about it.


That concludes the Worldwide Stationery Bulletin. Until next week!

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FAN FAIL

Recently I met some fans of the blog which was great as I thought the only person that read this was my mum. And even SHE said I was “too over the top” and “a silly annoying little bitch” and “why don’t you get a boyfriend, like a real boyfriend, because you spend too much time with pens and no-one wants a dry shrivelled up old maid despite how many notepads and paperclips she owns” and “for fuck’s sake, get out of bed, look at you, you’re a mess, you’re a fucking mess” and “oh god, Josey, please, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it, don’t do that Josey, please don’t do that, I won’t say it again, I love you, I love you.” Bless her.


One fan asked how Victor was getting on. “Victor?” I asked. “Yes, Victor,” he replied. “You know Victor Kiam, your Stationery Hunk of the Day.”


Now, guys. Guys.


If you’re going to read this blog, you need to stay ON TOP OF THE GAME.


The Stationery Hunk of the Day is Ian (Irwin) Helford, Chairman Emeritus of Viking Direct. He loves stationery more than he loves his own life and is extremely sexy.


Now, this Victor Kiam you refer to so nonchalantly, is the dude who loved Remington razors so much that he bought the company.




Don’t get me wrong, he’s cool and shit, BUT HE IS NOT A STATIONERY HUNK. He is not a stationery hunk.


Readers, I love you, but please check yourselves before you wreck yourselves.

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I HOPE I DON’T GET MADE REDUNDANT

So I was standing on the tube platform wondering whether I should push someone on the tracks so I could hold a fellow human’s life in my hands like God or whatever, when this advert caught my eye:

Hmmm, nice, asking people to be think more creatively at work. Yes, workers of the world, unite and put forward your ideas on SOLAR POWER, WIND POWERED HOMES, VIRTUAL OFFICES…and, hold on, what’s that… ?

ER, PAPERCLIPS?

Yeah, I can really seeing that going down well in the boardroom:

Boss: So let’s have your best ideas!
Sally: How about a virtual office so you never have to leave home?
Boss: YES! I LIKE! TOM?
Tom: How about harnessing the power of solar energy. It will be GREAT for the environment and will save us money.
Boss: TOM, YOU’RE MAKING ME SO HORNY RIGHT NOW! YES! JOSEY?
Josey: How about paperclips?
Boss: Paperclips?
Josey: Yeah, paperclips.
Boss: Paperclips.
Josey: Paperclips.
Boss: I don’t like it.

So, as we saw from that dramatic reconstruction of a future event IT JUST WOULDN’T WORK.

But was Josey so wrong?

After all paperclips are the unsung heroes of stationery items. They are always there when you need them. You can use them as earrings if you forgot your ones at home and Accesorize isn’t open. They bind things together in a world that is constantly being torn apart.

So, now that I think about it, FUCK YOU BOSS, PAPERCLIPS ARE THE FUCKING DON GORGON!

Josey was right. After all that, she was right. I love that bitch.

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