I HOPE I DON’T GET MADE REDUNDANT

So I was standing on the tube platform wondering whether I should push someone on the tracks so I could hold a fellow human’s life in my hands like God or whatever, when this advert caught my eye:

Hmmm, nice, asking people to be think more creatively at work. Yes, workers of the world, unite and put forward your ideas on SOLAR POWER, WIND POWERED HOMES, VIRTUAL OFFICES…and, hold on, what’s that… ?

ER, PAPERCLIPS?

Yeah, I can really seeing that going down well in the boardroom:

Boss: So let’s have your best ideas!
Sally: How about a virtual office so you never have to leave home?
Boss: YES! I LIKE! TOM?
Tom: How about harnessing the power of solar energy. It will be GREAT for the environment and will save us money.
Boss: TOM, YOU’RE MAKING ME SO HORNY RIGHT NOW! YES! JOSEY?
Josey: How about paperclips?
Boss: Paperclips?
Josey: Yeah, paperclips.
Boss: Paperclips.
Josey: Paperclips.
Boss: I don’t like it.

So, as we saw from that dramatic reconstruction of a future event IT JUST WOULDN’T WORK.

But was Josey so wrong?

After all paperclips are the unsung heroes of stationery items. They are always there when you need them. You can use them as earrings if you forgot your ones at home and Accesorize isn’t open. They bind things together in a world that is constantly being torn apart.

So, now that I think about it, FUCK YOU BOSS, PAPERCLIPS ARE THE FUCKING DON GORGON!

Josey was right. After all that, she was right. I love that bitch.

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I BE BLOGGIN’ THAT SHIT THEY BE FLOGGIN’

After I finished crapping my pants with fear and screaming like a rabid prostitute on the new Saw ride at Thorpe Park recently, I went to the Thorpe Park Magical Warehouse of Souvenerial Delights (affectionately referred to by everyone else as ‘the shop’) and screamed once more…but fear not, this time it was good, no GREAT screaming.


It was screaming in total appreciation of…


THORPE PARK GIANT STATIONERY!
(I tried to make the font size giant-sized but I don’t know how to do it on this blog. It would have been GREAT.)


Look!



Look!



Look!



Look!



Aye carumba!

UPDATE: I’ve just realised how crap these photos are. It just looks like I’ve zoomed in on normal sized stationery. You will have to take my word for it that they were GIGANTIC! And if you don’t believe me you can go suck your mum’s tits! Bye xxx

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THE HOTTEST PHOTO ALBUM EVER

Oooh, who’s this sexy mama? Leather biker jacket. Okay, no actual head, but LEATHER, fellas! Come on, you know you’re onto a winner already.


Get your fingers inside for a nice little feel and, wow, she’s even wearing a leather bra! TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT HOMEBOY!


But what’s this? It’s not a hot headless biker lady at all, it’s a photo album! Containing photos of a sweet, innocent child!



What a shocker. Even more shocking, despite the smile, SHE AIN’T SWEET AND INNOCENT NO MORE!

I’ll tell you more about my cheeky little niece another day…

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STATIONERY HUNK OF THE DAY

My favourite stationery personality has to be Ian Helford, Chairman Emeritus of Viking Direct. As you would expect from a man who has dedicated his life to the happiness of others through office supplies, he’s a total hunk.


If you’ve been collecting Viking catalogues over the last few years, you’ll know that Mr. Helford is no stranger to a bit of hard work and has often been pictured actually loading product from the warehouse onto the Viking Direct vans! What a guy!


STOP PRESS: I’ve just found out that his name is actually IRWIN, calling him Ian was a cheap marketing ploy to get British people to like him! I am sickened. But somehow turned on?

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NOW IT’S THE INTERN’S TURN

More stationery love from across the miles, this time from our lovely intern, Valia.


A great little pencil case from San Francisco…IN THE SHAPE OF A PENCIL!

BUT WAIT!


It also actually has pencils contained within its mighty walls! And a ruler, eraser and sharpener! Sadly, these aren’t in the shape of pencils which I think is somewhat lazy of them.

But what I haven’t told you is how HUGE this thing is! Although it’s the shape of a pencil, it’s so much bigger than a conventional pencil!


Just to give you some context…


THAT’S A REAL CAR!

Valia, you’re on FIRE! OOOOOWEEEEE!

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HOPE THIS CLARIFIES MATTERS SOMEWHAT

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NOT BEING FUNNY BUT

...there is NO WAY you can look me in the, er, monitor and tell me that this isn’t the sexiest sight you’ve seen all day. No way.



This is what the Stairway to Heaven will look like:



This is what it will look like when you are drunk:



And after you fall back down the stairs and hurt your elbow it will look like this:



But any God who has this sexy Post-It Note stairway is bound to be a forgiving God so the good news is that YOU’LL STILL GET IN!


The bad news is that there’s a MASSIVE queue in Heaven for the First Aid room, so much so that John, you know John, the paramedic, has actually gone on strike! I know, JOHN! Crazy.


But the good news is that Barry’s finishing his training tomorrow so you’ll probably get your elbow seen to then.


UPDATE: Barry failed his exam. Sorry.

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PRECIOUS GIFTS FROM AFAR

My little buddy Kit travelled all the way to Hong Kong to get me these delightful treats. Apparently she stood in the shop antagonising over her choices for ages because she knows I’m fussy and got worried that I would punch her in the tits again but in the end I think she did just great.


First up is this sweet little Hello Kitty card wallet. It’s all puffy and smells of infant school.




Bank’s repossessed all my cards so might have to hold tight on using that one for a few years.

Next is an AMAZING notebook with the following features:
1. Real wood cover!
2. Customised etching!
3. Parcel paper style lined pages!
4. ...in landscape format! Perfect for all your favourite quotes!





Isn’t it just T for Tremendous? That’s what MC GQ used to say! You don’t know him, do you.


Lastly, a cute little notepad with a very serious message:

So true, so true.

Thank you Kit. Thank you Hong Kong.

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OH, BEFORE I FORGET

Thanks to everyone who voted for me in the BAFTA People’s Award for Most Dramatic Blog Regarding Artistic Materials (PAMDRAMBRAM) category. I am just cock-a-hoop right now, I can’t even tell you. Thanks again!

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IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, DO IT YER BLEEDING SELF. GUV.

I hate starting a new diary in January. It’s so commercial. So last year, I found this wonderful little diary from Muji which started in March and ran up until May this year. It’s just so perfect, a little under A6, with a whole month running across each spread and gorgeous little boxes to write your concise entries in. It forced you to get right to the point and stop fannying around. Instead of ‘Lunch with Tabitha’, you’d write ‘Tab Tab’. Instead of ‘Speak to David about cleaning Lesley’s interesting icebox; you’d write ‘STD Clinic’. YEAH, THAT’S WHY I WROTE THAT, OKAY MUM?


Anyhoo.


Two more of it’s best features were a charcoal grey cover with a plastic little slip case and some delicious square ruled notepaper at the back. It was just delightful, I tell you.








Which is why I went back to Muji recently to get another one for 2009/10. Because OBVIOUSLY they’d have them. I mean, they wouldn’t cock tease you up until the middle of the year when your diary ran out and then leave you dangling, right?


WRONG. Wrong, so very wrong.


I was upset, of course I was. But I needed a new diary so I walked through the streets of London looking for a replacement.


They were all so very shit, though. Like a page a day, or a week a double page, or too thick or too long. Just unnaceptable. I was left with very little choice but to buy a blank Moleskine notebook in this season’s colours and do something a little bit like this:








And I think my diary is the best of the lot. SCREW YOU, MUJI!

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