Let’s start this shit again, shall we?

After what can only be described as a ‘recent catastrophe’ in what can only be described as ‘that cheap piece of shit no-good stationery-vending wastemerchant Poundland’, I have been searching for a new place to get what can only be descibed as ‘a new stationery haven to make me cream my pants’.

I have travelled high and low, dear reader, from the dunes of the Kalimari desert to the icy cold waters of the Artic. From the bright lights of Las Vegas to the dark caves of Lebanon. From the peak of Ben Nevis to the valleys of the, er Valleys.

In the end, I found something quite satisfactory on Wood Green High Street. Which was nice.

So, get ready for a new series coming your way: Josey’s Adventures in…MIGHTYPOUND! Same rules apply, everything for ONE POUND! And believe me, I have found some DEEP SHIT!

Stationery from the ends rules!

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OK, THIS POUNDLAND SERIES ISN’T REALLY GOING TO WORK.

So this was meant to be Josey’s Adventures in Poundland # 2.

Pretty cool huh? Three nibs and four different coloured ink cartridges all for 100 British pence!

Except when I opened the pack and tried to put one simple pen together the whole thing literally fell apart. See for yourself in this Me and My Pens Special Edition:

I’m through with Poundland now. Moving on down to 98p Superstore in Finsbury Park.

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JOSEY’S ADVENTURES IN POUNDLAND #1

14 Office Popper Pencils, £1

NO NEED TO SHARPEN THEM!

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I’VE GOT CHILLS…THEY’RE MULTIPLYING! BUT REALLY NOT IN ANY KIND OF SEXY WAY.

Knowing that I’m a stationery lover, you’d probably assume that I like Post-it notes. CHA-CHING! You got that right, mister!


Knowing that I like Post-it notes, you’d probably assume that I think it’s great fun when people stick loads of Post-it notes over someone’s desk for a laugh, or when they try and make ‘art’ out of it.


WRONG!


I fucking hate it.


What kind of sick cunt would do this? (I can’t put the image on this page, it just makes me sick) >>> DISGUSTING IMAGE


Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! It’s so disgusting! It makes me feel like I’m getting hives! I don’t know what hives are, but I’m sure they make you feel like how this picture makes me feel. All faint and feverish and OH GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

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I HAVE JUST MURDERED A POOR, INNOCENT WHITEBOARD MARKER

When I heard that poor little tip scratching about on the rough speckled paper, I should have known it was the end. When I tried to use it on a whiteboard afterwards, I should not have been surprised that it didn’t work. That was my favourite dry wipe pen and now it’s gone.


I am going to sit on the naughty step now and think about what I have done.

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BEST THING ABOUT SAINSBURY’S

Apart from the biscuits aisle, of course.

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SHE’S A COLD-HEARTED BITCH BUT SHE LOVES HER PENS AND THAT’S JUST FINE WITH ME

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SPEAKING OF PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

Could there be any greater pleasure in life than to receive a handwritten letter secured with a red wax seal?

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JOSEY REBELLE IN NON-PAPER BASED BOOK SHOCKER!

Last year, someone I know told me about the Amazon e-book reader, Kindle.


I spat in her face. That’s how offended I was by the concept of e-books.


Well, check this out. I’ve only gone and done a huge flippin’ volte-face, haven’t I guv? Gor blimey, WHAT AM I LIKE?


Alright, alright, don’t have a cow. It’s nothing deep. Just that I downloaded this application to my iPhone that lets you read all these classics (this sounds like an advertorial) and I thought I’d try it out, you know, on that day that I left my copy of Ulysees - signed first edition, of course - at home on the chaise longue. I started Pride and Prejudice and it was a bit awkward, like a pair of jeans that fits snug on the legs but is a bit baggy on the bum, but I soldiered on and got through it just fine.


Now I’m reading DRACULA and I can’t put it down - it’s just like reading a normal book! Except it doesn’t make your knickers damp when you inhale its sexual odours!


I’m sorry if I have disappointed you on this one, dear reader. I know it’s wrong, God knows I know it. But please, just let me have my fun. I’ll be over it by Chapter 2 of Gulliver’s Travels.

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ME AND MY PENS - EPISODE 3. NOW WITH BADLY-DRAWN STAR RATINGS!

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